I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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