I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
