Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
