Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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