You were right. It hurts to walk today.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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