Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
