I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
