Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
