You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
