I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
