fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
