wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
