Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
