Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
