also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
