Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
