All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
