If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I've blown a few things in my day
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
jump out the window naked night went bad
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
