My liver just broke up with me...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
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you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
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I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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