I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Michael Bay diarrhea
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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