Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
