My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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