oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
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