he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
If I had your ass I would rule the world
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
