Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
