My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
