Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
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Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He did a backflip because drugs
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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