Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
