Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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