the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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