I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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