Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Let's paint friendship bongs
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
