Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Dignity is for republicans.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Randomize
