Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
