like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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