i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
