I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
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I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
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And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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