Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
