So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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