Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
