we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
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My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
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grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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