He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
