On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
