My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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