hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
