So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
