you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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