her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
