I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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