btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
