Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
