Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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