while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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