how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
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Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
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He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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