do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
