I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
from now on my penis is your penis
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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