I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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