don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
