so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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