I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
