my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
